When You are Confused about whether to Stay or Go
- If trivial matters are the reason for your skirmish.
- If the very sound of your life partner’s voice irritates you.
- If you have abused your spouse physically or emotionally.
- If all the hopes of love has run out.
- If your start discussing various family matters, and it later ends in disagreement and resentment.
- If you are not interested in making love with your spouse, and if you are not active sexually due to your disagreement with your spouse.
- If the problems that you have recently solved keep resurfacing again and again, and if you are not reluctant to say that, you are the only person responsible for spoiling all the happiness of your family.
- If you are consistently under attack from your spouse, and if you are not being respected by your spouse.
- If you are willing to give what is needed to your children in your ex-spouse, and if you are still giving protection to your ex-spouse.
- If your views on marriage is extremely different from your spouse’s, and if you find it very difficult to get accustomed to your spouse’s deleterious nature.
- If you are not ready to compromise with your spouse.
- If you think that your spouse is not faithful to you.
- If you have a dream of your divorce or a dream of the death of your spouse.
- If you have other plans.
If you think they are all nonsense.
- File for divorce. You are unable to cope with the surroundings.
- You will be bad. You are planning an unhealthy relationship.
- You are emotionally weak enough not to overcome the stress. However don’t make rational decisions about anything, including the divorce. Even though you are very depressed, try to make good all the deleterious situations with a strong mind.
If you have courage, self-esteem, honesty, self-respect, expectations and a good plan enough to live peacefully, discard confusion, and start loving your spouse.
A perfect marriage doesn’t exist nor do perfect couples. However, if not perfect, you can at least make your marriage better. Communication and sharing your feelings are essentials to having a good marriage. Marriage is about two individuals making a vow to live as one for the rest of their lives. Constant nurturing is needed to keep the relationship healthy because neglecting it can lead to the couple drifting apart.
Problems arise and threaten to break the bond of marriage. The best way to approach these problems is to think of them as just tests meant to bring you closer as a couple. Having the right attitude in the midst of issues makes a lot of difference.
Empathy helps to better your marriage. It’s the capacity to identify with and share feelings felt by another. To empathise is to feel what the other feels. Thus, solving problems is a lot easier if you understand how your partner feels and thinks. To empathise with your spouse means you value his/her feelings and views. He or she won’t feel taken for granted.
Moreover, in resolving conflicts, always keep in mind that there are two people in the marriage. The solution should benefit both. If this is not met, it will create bigger problems and may lead to a more serious one.
Positivity brings peace to the relationship. When your marriage is put to the test, always try to look at the upside of things. If the situation is too bleak for humor, you can at least think that this one is meant to make you stronger. After all, you’re not the only person who’s in that situation. Everyone has problems. If others manage to make it through, so can you. Negativity will get you nowhere. Keeping your hopes high and taking things lightly will help clear your mind which in turn helps you think of the best solutions.
Stay calm when issues heat up. Don’t whine all the time. Don’t shout at each other. Don’t bring up issues of the past. Be open-minded. Respect your spouse’s views. Have regular conversations. Tell your spouse your hurts as well as your joys. Discuss worries, concerns, . Tell each other healthy jokes. Take some time off every now and then.
Think of ways to become better spouses for each other. Spend quality time alone. Do simple things like watching a movie, taking a walk, or having a leisurely dinner together. Making your marriage better doesn’t have to be always dealing with the abstract.
Your partner’s family is a very special part of his/her life. They become a special part of your life as well. It is not to say that you need to perfectly balance your family’s needs with those of your in-laws. Creating a harmonious atmosphere with them, however, is very necessary.
This is no easy task. It’s feel like building a bridge when you’re trying to connect with them. Sometimes, you may even have to restore burnt bridges because relationship with in-laws is almost always not easy. But the good thing is, once you’re successful, expect plentiful worthy rewards. A good relationship with your acquired family is a good investment for your marriage. Here’s how you can achieve this:
1. Work with your spouse.
This is the most important thing to do. As my wife has reminded me many times before, you can’t effectively deal with in-laws unless you work with your partner because your partner knows them better. You have to understand that this is an effort that requires you working together as a team.
Never put your partner in a scenario where he or she has to choose between your side or his/her relative’s side. Having to choose between you and his/her family will only put him/her in an extremely difficult and awkward situation. What you need to do is understand the relationship that he/she has with her parents, grandparents, siblings, and other members of the family. You have to support that established relationship. Even if you find his/her parents highly annoying, they’re still his/her parents.
2. Set boundaries and limits.
Together with your partner, establish rules for your family. You two have to agree which is important and which is less important so that you can prioritise. For example, your kids like to eat sweets. This isn’t usually a serious problem, but when they start to refuse real meals in favor of chocolates or candies, it’s time to set limits. So as heads of the family, you and your partner should stand committed to your decisions . When you make household rules, make sure that they are kept by everyone at all times. This works well for the children, and at the same time, it also projects a clear picture of what you want to your in-laws: Your house has rules, and they have to respect them.
More importantly, don’t make a promise that you can’t keep. An example of this would be a historical event that shaped the world as we know it. Neville Chamberlain, the prime minister of the UK just before the Second World War, gave Poland to Germany in order to appease Hitler and stop a possible war. But the war still happened. How? Germany, knowing that the UK would just give them anything that they asked for, kept asking for more. That, of course, the UK couldn’t do. The lesson here is that, pleasing others in order to create harmony doesn’t work in the long run, especially if your parents-in-law are parents-in-law from hell.
3. Enforce the boundaries and limits.
Just like mentioned before, once you set rules in your house, make sure that they are strictly observed. If you say studying time is at 7PM, then there should be no more TV or computer games at 7. Again, doing so sends a clear message to the in-laws – that you know what you want and you want your rules followed and respected.
4. Communicate directly.
If something needs to be said, don’t do so through another person. If want to say something to an in-law, don’t ask your partner to do it for you. You have to speak to the person directly. If something – an incident involving you and an in-law- bothers you, deal with it at once. A small glitch can be a sign of an impending issue. An ordinary misunderstanding can lead to a big fight. If you overlook small problems, chances are they will develop into big problems which are often irrevocable. Work on solving misunderstandings before they become full-blown disagreements.
5. Know yourself.
Shakespeare, in his prime, said, “Do not remake yourself to please others.” If you’re a businesswoman, and your in-laws wish you’d be more of a housewife who always makes sure the house is kept clean, you’re under no obligation to leave your business to please them. You are who you are.
6. Don’t expect too much.
Don’t expect too much from your in-laws. We usually see on TV things like fathers-in-law acting like household handymen or sisters-in-law playing with the nephews and nieces when they visit. These are possible scenes, but are not true all the time. There are in-laws who just don’t care. To avoid getting disappointed, don’t set your expectations too high. If your in-laws turn out to be the ideal in-laws, be happy.
7. Learn to cool off.
Being highly irritable will do you and your family no good. Exercise patience even in the most uncomfortable times. Sometimes it’s better to do nothing, and let nature take its course. Remember, time heals many wounds. While you’re at that boiling point, play it calm no matter how difficult. Don’t say things you’ll regret later. No insults. Remember that once negative words leave your mouth, permanent damage has been done. You can’t undo it.
8. Be mature.
Sure, your parents love you. After all they’re your parents. But your partner’s parents are under no obligation to feel the same way for you. As mentioned, don’t expect too much. If they’re passive or if they tend to ignore you, take it as normal.
Put yourself in the shoes of your in-laws. Look at things the way they do, so you can have a bit of an understanding about the things that they want and why they want it that way. In this manner, you can please them more easily. Don’t get me wrong, though. This doesn’t mean that empathising with them would get rid of conflicts. No, conflicts will always be there. But when you know and understand the psyche of your in-laws, dealing with these conflicts will be a whole lot easier.
9. Be calm.
When you’re at a point of exploding, say nice things. If you have nothing good to say, just smile. If you can’t manage even a fake smile, just stay calm and keep quiet. It’s better to be silent than say ugly things you’ll regret later. That way, you’ll be doing your partner and your relationship a favor.
10. Keep your sense of humour.
A sense of humour always does magic. It makes the atmosphere between you and your in-laws interestingly light and carefree. Be careful with your jokes, though. Some people, especially tyrant in-laws, can be sensitive. But rest assured, tyrants aren’t so common nowadays. You can do well with jokes. But if you’re not much of a joker, then don’t fake it. You might say the wrong things. It will only make you look lousy.
You see it everywhere you go. Sometimes, despite your sympathetic effort to solve an issue in your marriage the problems go untouched. Your circumstances, the type of conflict, its deepness and the factors surrounding it are all responsible for the success or the failure of your attempts.
But if money, sex and child-care are the problem-causing factors, you should take special care to handle them. Let’s discuss some of these issues.
It may be regarded as the main problem-causing issue in your marriage. Every conflict may have as its starting word “money.” Most couples are unable to effectively handle this subject in an effective way so that the all the conflict associated with money reaches a state of uncertainty and the result may be of a severe nature.
According to Darrell Hines, author of “Resolving Conflict in Your Marriage” that if you have a mind to solve all the issues related with money you must be open and you must have non-judgmental communication skills.
In family, the couple will take more time to understand their family members. This may cause some kind of conflict in their life during the first few years of marriage. During this period of time they get to know their spouse’s family when they get chances to mingle with them. We can say it is the adjustment period.
For some couples, their in-law’s staying in their house is totally unacceptable and this attitude may lead to a number of problems.
It may be a vulnerable topic in many marriages. As it is most sensitive and may badly affect the living nature of couples, it can be considered very sensitive one having some benefit and disadvantages in marriage. Even the spouse, after long years of their marriage, hesitates to show or ask what they need from their spouse. As sex has been a very touchy topic, if it is handled with experience you will be very lucky in living longer with your spouse. So be open and honest towards your spouse. Discuss all the matters openly on what the problems are and whether it is possible to solve them.
There may be different opinions on child-rearing. It you are ready to compromise and if your spouse too has a same attitude on your views, then you can consider that you are free from almost all the marriage conflicts.
Time to think!
Is it Right?
You are always thinking only of your children and your jobs in a time-bound scale
You are exhausted.
You are going from pillar to post, so no time to think of yourselves.
Your weekend time is set partly for chores around the house.
Perhaps you both are starving for time and you are really empty for want of time for other affairs such as romance and intimate friendship.
Here are some warning signs.
Your life is devoted only to your child. Even though you wish you to have time for romance, it is out of reach. You are in danger.
You are going here and there without concentrating too much on the affairs of your spouse. Be aware of a possible danger.
You both are very sensitive. You feel irritated with little provocation. Something may have happened.
Both of you find it difficult to cope with the current situation. Disagreement and misunderstandings always haunt you.
It is several days passed since you sat together. You forget your date and life because you both were too busy to see each other.
Is a Solution Necessary?
By all means “Yes”
If you have expectations and dreams in your marriage, you can see some solution to your long-pending problems. If your work is time-consuming, one finds a way to trim it so that you can find a place to sit quietly. Taking stock of daily work both of you are doing is the way to improve the situation, and finding that some changes are necessary do immediately.
As a husband and wife, you should have your own time and world, at least for some time every day. Keep the husband-wife relationship up.
Remember to give your spouse any of the following, whenever you think it is necessary, if possible everyday:
Kiss or a hug, a slight head massage or a back rub, a morning snuggle or playing a game, taking a walk or just a daily chat, listening to music or play a game and so on.
Living a balanced life is not so easy for most. But you can make a change in your life. Trying to make your life more pleasant means you have got the technique of how to live a peaceful life.
Social activities, working overtime, chores, etc. are though better in your life, they can have a negative affect if there is too much.
Don’t read the newspaper with a determination that you have to read it completely. Watching the news every night, reading twitter and RSS fee etc. are good for consuming your time. Don’t allow them to steal your time even though they are all necessary.
At least one date night each month should be reserved for both of you. Don’t change that date.
If you can send emails, try it, as it is the best way to communicate with each other.
Try to make the most of your rare moments. Let your love grow unlimited, with a limited time.
Commitment is a powerful tool to have in a relationship. If they are committed to each other, a couple will do anything to stay together. They will be determined to stay on the right path and will know how to avoid the pieces of broken glass along the way. They will seek to please each other and uphold their marriage vows. When problems come inevitably, they will not be shaken but will be brought closer together. Financial woes. Temptation. Difficult in-laws. Put through anything, a committed couple will come out strong and shining.
There have been several studies on the impact of marriage on cardiovascular health. It explains how our body reacts with it. Some men and women having borderline high blood pressure have been subjected to the study for three years. It revealed that the blood pressure is directly linked to how much the couple like to share and do things together.
If your spouse is not good enough to accommodate you in the mind, then the choice you have to opt for is to remove yourself from this situation as far as possible. In other words, it is better to avoid the critical situation with your spouse. Help your blood pressure come down so that we live longer.
Do not worry if your marriage provides you with pleasure. You may be the luckiest person in the world. Let your heart palpitate healthily. It has been proven by experiment that those couples having a good marital relationship will have a thin walled heart, unlike those whose post-married life gets worse day by day.
Those who lead a happy married life will have normal blood pressure, normal pulse rate and a peaceful brain. Those who are always ready to aggravate each other will have to face severe consequences in their body later in life. The stress will be a real issue in their life. Your body, your immune system, your emotion and your peace of mind are all subjected to severe change.
So always try to be calm. You have to go along a serene life path with your life partner, leaving behind all the bad qualities. Life is good if your desire is small.
Many people believe in the cliché, “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.” I guess it remains true that if you weigh 300 pounds and eat seven pounds of burger patty in two minutes, your spouse will still love you. Many believe that true love sees through the layers of fat; and I can agree with them. I’ve seen many testimonials to this. But I also believe that not all people have the capacity for that kind of love.
A Reuters article discusses how the three-year glitch has replaced the seven-year itch. The report is based on survey results done on couples who have been married for more than three years. Results indicate that “love” tends to turn sour when the marriage hits the three-year mark. High up on the list of factors is weight gain. You can continue to believe that love is blind, that it refuses to see love handles and beer bellies. But, on the other hand, if you allow yourself to swell like a balloon, you must be prepared to face the consequences of your choices, practically speaking. Sadly, some people put much emphasis on physical attractiveness. If your spouse is one of them, and you’ve allowed yourself to get flabby, you might see your marriage go down the drain soon. Get up and do something. Exercise.
• Exercise is important because it keeps you fit.
Your best reason for exercising must be to keep healthy. When you’re fit, you don’t fall ill easily. Getting sick creates stress and financial woes, although you can’t expect everybody to feel well all the time. Being healthy allows you to enjoy your marriage and do fun activities with your spouse and children.
• Exercise removes cobwebs and clears your mind.
Studies show that exercise releases certain chemicals in your brain. This makes you feel happy and refreshed afterwards. Exercise, as simple as brisk walking, clears the mind. A Reader’s Digest report mentioned that people like Wordsworth, who wrote beautiful poems, were avid walkers. When your mind is refreshed, you’re not prone to losing your temper. When you don’t flare up easily, there are fewer arguments. You might even learn to appreciate nature. How about stargazing with your spouse tonight?
• Exercise makes you feel good about yourself.
Based on the Reuters article, we can conclude that physical appearance does matter. A lot of marriages fail because the wife rarely combs her hair or doesn’t put much effort to smell and look good. As a result, her husband loses interest in her. Or it could be the other way around, the wife losing interest in her husband. Maybe his belly is growing at a rate of one centimeter a week, indicative of poor habits. It’s worth mentioning that snoring is also one factor contributing to the three-year glitch.
Exercise doesn’t only have physical benefits, but also mental and emotional. It can do wonders for your marriage. You might find these tips handy:
• Set aside time for exercise. You don’t need expensive equipment to work out a sweat.
• Do exercises that are right for you. This may mean consulting with a health expert first.
• Exercise with your spouse. Jog and take brisk walks together at the park. Go to the gym together. Make and follow a diet plan together. That would be so much fun.
• Go to sports classes together. It’s never too late to learn something new. It can add variety to your daily activities.
When you exercise and follow a healthy lifestyle, your body isn’t the only thing to benefit. Your marriage is also kept fit and in shape. Have a happy time exercising with your spouse.
Love is the greatest gift you can give to your spouse. It should be the foundation of your marriage. There are various ways you can show love to your spouse. They don’t have to be grand. Go for nice and simple but memorable. Put in an element of surprise. Be imaginative.
Make your marriage interesting by doing small things that demonstrate that you care. You can only pull this off if your love is true. Love your spouse truthfully. Be sincere. Some individuals are not very vocal about their feelings, so they express their love through actions. Being subtle may be more effective.
Here are five subtle ways to show your love:
1. Massage your spouse to relieve the stress of a hard day’s work. Do this when he or she least expects it. It can give a little thrill.
2. Surprise your spouse with sweet notes. You can leave them where you expect him or her to find them. Spray a little of your perfume or scent on the notes.
3. Show some appreciation. Don’t miss a day without saying kind and encouraging words to your spouse. Never hesitate to express your admiration. This helps boost your spouse’s self-esteem. Sealing it with a kiss will make it sweeter.
4. Surprise your spouse with gifts. Giving gifts isn’t just for special occasions. Even on ordinary days, you can surprise your spouse with the things he or she has always wanted to get for some time. You don’t have to wait for his or her birthday or your wedding anniversary to grant a wish. This is one way to keep the marriage exciting.
5. Spend quality time alone with each other. You can go on picnics, or if circumstances permit, plan a vacation. Take a break from your busy schedules, and have some relaxing and stress-free moments with your spouse.
Doing things out of the ordinary will remind your spouse that he or she is valued and important. Your efforts in saying “I love you” in different ways will never be wasted. It takes thoughtfulness and creativity to express your love even in simple things. Make your marriage more exciting by showing love rather than simply saying it.