Common Marital Problems

Ways To Avoid Spousal Arguments

Ways To Avoid Spousal Arguments

Spousal

 

Have you ever had an intense argument with your spouse?

I’m sure you it’s not something you want to happen again. Both parties don’t gain anything from such ugly arguments but a damaged relationship. Most people don’t know how to handle tough situations like these and just retreat, hoping that the matter will just get fixed on its own.

If you don’t want to have nasty fights with your spouse, learn how to resolve the problem without criticising, yelling, and hurling insults. Let the love you feel for your spouse take control and not anger.

It is possible to Avoid Spousal Arguments

There are five things that a couple should consider to ensure good communication in a relationship. Don’t:

  • Argue on who’s right or wrong
  • Bring up past issues or problems
  • Lay blame if problems arise

Do:

  • Respect and understand each other’s point of view
  • Learn to negotiate so that a compromise can be reached

What You Should Avoid Unfortunately, when our spouse complains or verbally attacks us, our natural tendency is to show him or her that he or she is the one who is wrong—while we’re totally innocent. Have you ever told your spouse how wrong he or she was and he or she responded, “Yes, you’re right.”? It doesn’t happen that way. Arguing about who is right and who is wrong leads to escalating frustration. Quit blaming each other. It makes matters worse.

When your spouse verbally attacks you or begins to complain about certain matters, your instincts tell you to fight back and defend yourself. Throwing the blame back is wrong. It only feeds the argument.

Don’t bring up negative things of the past. If your spouse did something wrong long ago, and the matter was already settled, let it rest. Don’t use issues of the past just to prove that you’re right. If you do, your spouse will become more defensive and will be harder to deal with. Throwing past mistakes in your spouse’s face makes things more complicated.
When problems arise, why blame the spouse immediately? Is he or she the only one responsible for the relationship? These are questions you should ask yourself before you open your mouth. Solving problems doesn’t entail blaming and pointing fingers.

 

What You Should Do

Marriage will be filled with nasty arguments and disagreements if the simple don’ts are not avoided. There are two things you should always remember.

 

The first is, understand each point of view and respect it. As humans, we are each entitled to our own point of view. Respect your spouse’s opinions even if you disagree. When your spouse feels that you completely understand him or her, solving problems becomes easier. The second point is to ask for your spouse’s suggestions on how to solve your problems. Brainstorming for solutions is much more peaceful than arguing.

 

 

 

 

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Posted by Marvellous Marriage - November 18, 2017 at 5:17 AM

Categories: Common Marital Problems   Tags: , ,

Common Problems Married Couples Face

problems married couples face

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Common Problems Married Couples Face

Married life has many issues. You are truly efficient if you remain on top of these issues. Relationships can be complicated. You need some good training. You need to be well-equipped.

You went for training when you took up your university course. When you were in high school, you were trained in language, science, or mathematics. But did you get trained on how to handle marital issues? It’s highly likely your teachers never taught you how to be a good spouse. After all, marriage doesn’t come with an academic handbook or manual. No one warned you it was going to be this challenging. Marital issues can’t be measured in Celsius or Fahrenheit, though happiness can increase, children can multiply, and food can be divided.

Married life is unlike school life. When you pass the tests, you don’t get flying colors but happiness and good reasons to stay together. When you fail, you don’t get bad grades, but you get divorced. You only get trained as the issues come.

Some Common Problems Married Couples Face


1. Infidelity

The most common reason for infidelity is a person’s dissatisfaction with his or her spouse. According to a Reuters article, among the top passion-killers are weight gain, snoring, poor hygiene, poor bathroom habits, and lapsed fashion sense. Other passion-killers are nagging, blaming, irrational jealousy, and other unpleasant behaviors.

2. Sexual Problems

Sex is a bond shared by married couples. Lack of intimacy results to detachment, which in turn, results to boredom. One cause behind lack of intimacy is lack of time. Couples become too caught up in daily practicalities that they barely have time for each other or are too tired to do anything else after a hard day’s work.

3. Other Problems 

Impotence and other health problems have a significant effect on the sexual aspect of the relationship, with the affected spouse not being able to get intimate. As a result, his or her spouse’s sexual needs are not met. Other problems that affect sexual behavior include insecurities and history of sexual abuse.

4. Financial problems

Inadequate funds have the potential to wreck a marriage wherein the couple’s income cannot suffice for the household expenses. Financial woes lead to arguments, insecurities, and other things which are unhealthy for the marriage. Some couples who have more than enough face a different set of issues – spending money on material things they don’t really need and on destructive habits like gambling and alcoholism.

5. Children

Couples disagreeing and differing on how they should raise their children is not a rare scenario.

6. Religions Differences

Couples who are in interfaith marriages may find it challenging to adjust to each other. As they have different preferences on matters of faith, some may find it hard to make compromises and establish a middle ground in the relationship.

7. Boredom

Eventually, the honeymoon feelings wear off. Couples who mistakenly believe that marriage is all about sparks are in for a disappointment. Marriage holds a far deeper meaning than getting butterflies in the stomach. When the initial thrill is gone, and they settle into daily married life, many couples discover that marriage is not as rose-colored as they thought. But it doesn’t mean they can’t get the romance back forever.

Common Problems Married Couples Face should be sorted at the first warning signs

At the first warning signs of the issues above, it’s wise to act immediately. For instance, if you feel that romance is starting to slip off your fingers, do something to get a good hold of it and never let go.

Marriage doesn’t come with a manual, but remedies are always available to those who really seek them.

 

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Posted by Marvellous Marriage - November 14, 2017 at 5:17 AM

Categories: Common Marital Problems, Making Marriage Work   Tags:

Questions To Be Discussed With Regards To Finances

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ruAHSVlJs1o

An in-depth financial study on family expenses is to be discussed at least every year. You should set out a suitable time and site. The study will show where you are in regards to your financial status.

So these questions will help you think about how to solve and how to strengthen these hurdles enough to make both of you happy every time.

Here are some ways

• Where are your important Documents?

• You have to know all the details and the location of your important documents such as bank accounts, tax details, insurance details, details of investments and so on.

• Current status of Debts and Assets. Do you have Any Idea?

Basic creditcard / debitcard / smartcard graph...

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• Debts and assets are both sides of the coin. You have to know them in detail.

• Where is Your Budget?

• A workable budget should be prepared if such one is not already in place. Only you should know the details of expenses of your family.

• Do you have a Financial Planning?

• Be it either a short-term or long-term policy. You are to draw up financial goals for your spending. Evaluate it. If needed, make further changes.

• Are You Financially Vulnerable?

• This finding would be necessary to strengthen your financial background. The route through which most of your money flows should be detected, and if possible corrected enough not to make such a mistake in the future.

• Who will pay the entire bill?

• Discuss and reach an agreement on how and who will pay the bill.

• Is there Any Financial Difference?

• Try to discuss the real issues behind each of your financial statuses, and the influential power in the family.

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Posted by Marvellous Marriage - November 11, 2017 at 5:18 AM

Categories: Common Marital Problems   Tags:

Another Affair! It’s Not So Hard To Believe

closure on spouses affair

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Closure on spouses affair is a difficult thing to do

A marriage is a state where you have to deal with different types of events. Some of them may be destructive and negative. Some may be preventable, but they happen anyway. One example of such events is getting into extramarital affairs. It’s preventable but many still commit it. An affair is like a trap. It’s so easy to fall into it, but it’s so hard to get out of it.

Once tainted with cheating, it’s difficult to bring back the relationship to how it was before. But if both spouses are determined to go forward, it’s not that impossible. In particular, the unfaithful spouse must have real determination to stop cheating or to never commit the same mistake again. He or she should be ready to provide all the details of the affair honestly and completely, enough to make a final decision about it. If you cheated on your spouse and would like to make up, your goal is to rebuild trust between the two of you. You must be willing to go along an uneasy path to fix things.

Both of you must be committed to getting past the problems related to the affair. Your marriage is more important than anything else, so be ready to face challenges.

Closure on spouses affair tips below

If you’re the cheating spouse, here are some tips to save your marriage and to save face:

  • Remember the word “promise.”

One of the first things you should do is make a promise to yourself and to your spouse The promise includes ending your affair with your lover and do everything to avoid an encounter that will compromise your efforts. Don’t take his her calls. Change your number. If you can’t totally avoid your lover (if he or she is a co-worker), keep your encounters formal or businesslike. Don’t allow yourself to be alone with him or her. You have to avoid lunch dates and private or closed-door meetings. If it’s possible, find another job. Don’t neglect to tell your spouse everything that happens.

  • Provide answers. 

Give your spouse a detailed report of everything that transpires during the “reformation” process. It increases your chances of getting past this difficult stage. Understandably, your spouse won’t be ready at the beginning to talk about issues. But, day by day, things will tend to change.

There are some adulterous spouses who don’t want to confess anything about the affair, and the result is usually something fatal for the marriage. If you want to regain your spouse’s trust, you must practice openness.

  • Understand feelings.

You yourself can actually help your spouse get over the hurt caused by your cheating. Just do what you have to do. If he or she sees that you’re sincere in your promise, getting things fixed may not be that elusive anymore. Respect his or her feelings. Don’t rush him or her into forgiving you. Give your spouse time to recover.

  • Wait. 

Waiting is part of the healing process. Assuming that your situation is salvageable, sometimes you’ll have to count months, even years to get forgiven. Listen patiently to your spouse no matter how painful the words might get. Don’t give up just because you can’t accept bashing or the fruits of your deeds. Remember, you hurt your spouse tremendously when you cheated.

  • Accept responsibility.

If you truly cheated on your spouse, don’t deny it. Accept responsibility for your actions. Don’t pass the blame on your spouse. Find ways to fix your relationship. Don’t leave your spouse to resolve all your issues. Getting over an affair takes commitment and effort from both spouses, cheater and cheated.

  • Don’t expect a good result always.

Because understandably, your spouse is deeply hurt, prepare for the worst. Not every cheated wants to reconcile with the cheater. That’s the truth. You have to live with that. It doesn’t mean you can’t try to win your spouse again. Hope, but keep your expectations realistic.

If you’re the one who has been cheated, here are some tips:

  • Ask questions. 

Don’t hesitate to ask questions. Your spouse should be willing to disclose all the details of the affair if he or she really wants to make things right with you. It won’t be easy for both of you, but honesty and openness will help you sort out your issues and act on the things that need to be improved in your marriage.

  • Control your anger.

Anyone can understand you if you lash out at your spouse, but will it help solve issues? Yes, you may be able to express your anger, but it doesn’t help in the problem solving. You can cry, but hurling insults only complicates things more. Too much anger will lead you to hurt each other.

Be quiet for some time, so you’ll be able to process your feelings and thoughts. Resume discussions with your spouse when you’re already calmer and sure that you won’t flare up again. It will be hard to go forward in your marriage if you’re blinded with anger. When you’re too upset, postpone your talk but not for long.

  • Keep cool. 

Instead of building resentment, you should try to keep cool.  If your purpose in the discussion is not to solve problems but to make life more difficult for your spouse, then you won’t achieve anything. Resume the talk with a view to solve the issues.  Don’t allow the talk to change route at any cost. Face the challenges head-on.

  • Don’t stray. 

When you talk, always stick to the topic – the affair. Control your anger and resentment. Come straight to the point. Don’t use the time to raise solved issues of the past or things irrelevant to your present issues.

  • Forgiveness doesn’t have to be quick. The betrayal has put you through unimaginable pain and heartache, but it can fade with time. If your spouse is ready to close the affair with the lover forever, you must accept it. If you’re determined to save your marriage, the only way to start is to forgive him or her.


Closure on spouses affair take time and patience but if you survive this there is no stopping you as a couple.

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Posted by Marvellous Marriage - November 9, 2017 at 5:17 AM

Categories: Common Marital Problems   Tags:

Overcoming Jealousy In A Marriage

Feeling jealous in a relationship is normal. It usually means that the person cares. However, extreme jealousy is not healthy. Take for example, you see your partner talking to someone else, and you immediately start a scene.

Jealousy doesn’t just come from nowhere. It is grounded on the person’s feelings of inferiority and insecurity. People tend to be jealous when they fail to see their worth. They feel inadequate to deserve to be loved. They easily doubt their partner’s faithfulness. They lack confidence and are not proud of who they are. They think they always fall short when compared to others. These are negative feelings and thoughts, unhealthy for the relationship.

LQ

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Jealousy is common among married couples. Simply seeing their partners talking to someone of the opposite sex can trigger this feeling. Sometimes, jealousy isn’t only felt towards other people. Some get jealous of their own children. This occurs when one’s partner spends more time with the kids rather than with him or her. An example would be when there’s a new baby in the family. Mothers or wives spend all their time taking care of the newborn and tend to forget the husband.

Jealousy can yield positive results if it prompts you to examine your relationship and talk to your partner. Stay calm. Don’t let your feelings destroy your relationship. Use them to assess yourself and your marriage.

There are two kinds of jealousy: reactive jealousy and suspicious jealousy. Reactive jealousy is the objective kind of jealousy. The feeling has a basis. This is the type where you have solid proof of your partner’s unfaithfulness. On the other hand, suspicious jealousy is the subjective kind of jealousy. Thoughts and feelings are not based on anything but suspicions. Suspicious jealousy is an illogical, biased, and destructive type of jealousy. The fear of being dumped and replaced consumes the person. Doubting your partner’s faithfulness all the time without basis only displays your insecurity and distrust of him or her.

The following are five steps on how to handle jealousy:

•    Put mind over heart.

Learn to control your emotions. Keep calm even when truth hurts. It will allow you to think of solutions more clearly. Don’t do anything in anger. You will surely regret it.

•    Seek the truth.

For jealousy to be rational, it should be based on facts. More often than not, feeling jealous is NOT necessary. Your baseless insecurities have the potential to destroy your relationship. So find ways to find the truth rather than let the wrong feelings consume you unnecessarily.

If truth proves you right, have a sincere talk with your spouse. Be open about how you feel, and stay calm enough to think of and act on solutions.

•    Seek guidance.

Talk to someone who can make a judgement without bias. This can be a trusted friend, family member, or a co-worker. He or she may view things differently and provide wisdom without being subjective.

•    Have a sincere talk. 

Shouting at each other or arguing isn’t sincere talk. Communication is important in every relationship. Openness, honesty, and willingness to solve any issue are the keys to making the marriage work. Truth brings peace.

If you aren’t sure of what to talk about, or you don’t know where to start, write your thoughts first. Listen and learn from each other. Learn to forgive and move on though it can be hard. Taking your marriage one day at a time will help you through tough times.

•    See a counsellor.

Seeking a counsellor will help you take your relationship to a different level. You can talk to him or her about everything – your insecurities, doubts, fears, etc…He or she will guide you every step of the way towards a better you and a better marriage.

Having feelings of jealousy is normal, but it can be destructive. The situation is handled best when you have the right attitude and you know how to control your emotions.

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Posted by Marvellous Marriage - November 8, 2017 at 5:15 PM

Categories: Common Marital Problems   Tags: ,

Mistakes Interfaith Couples Often Make

 

Mistakes That Demand To Be Addressed Now

An interfaith couple should bear in mind that the success of their marriage depends so much on their ability to maintain understanding between them. They should try to make their differences work for them instead of tear them apart as these can’t be completely eliminated. If you are in an interfaith marriage, don’t keep bringing up issues in anger. Discussing them in peaceful conversations is fine and even healthy for the relationship, but using them as flying plates in arguments is a major stumbling block in the success of your marriage.

Holding hands symbolize registrated partnership.

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It’s a mistake to try to pretend your differences don’t exist. Instead, acknowledge them, and see what you can do so they don’t work against you. Stand fast in the belief that there’s nothing you can’t overcome as a couple. One way to deal with your situation is by bringing humour into your relationship everyday. Making light of your differences is different from ignoring them. Use these differences to add spice to your relationship. Make decisions together. Take note of the results of these decisions together. You’ re not too different from each other to think as one.

It’s also wrong to assume that you can’t make compromises in an interfaith marriage. Don’t go on thinking that yours are irreconcilable differences. If you set your mind on something, there’s no reason why you can’t achieve it. Do what you think is best. Peace is your ultimate goal in your relationship, along with lasting love. Failing to recognise what’s good for your marriage is another mistake. Stick with your faith and your religious practices, but don’t go to the extremes. Why employ the hard rule when you can make compromises for the good of your marriage? Making compromises, by the way, is different from breaking the laws and traditions of your religion. Avoid these mistakes, and you’re on your way to building a strong marriage, one that won’t crumble despite your religious differences.

Marrying someone of a different faith doesn’t necessarily mean cutting ties with your family or your religion. Remember that a peaceful conversation can move mountains. If you and your spouse truly love each other, you’ll be committed to build a strong and beautiful relationship together. The benefits won’t only be enjoyed by the two of you but also by the family you will be  raising or you are raising now.

You’re in a good position if you and your spouse have discussed about issues regarding how you would raise your children even before you got married.

If you have children now, see to it that you’re not forcing acceptance of either religion on them. If they’re still young, you can educate them about both faiths. If or when they’re older, they can choose which path to take.

Too many marriages have been broken by religious differences. Don’t let your own be another casualty. Differences in faith need not be irreconcilable differences. Remember these five things: respect, acceptance, communication, understanding, and commitment. Apart from love and intimacy, these are the things interfaith marriages should possess, or any other type of marriage for that matter.

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Posted by Marvellous Marriage - November 6, 2017 at 5:16 AM

Categories: Common Marital Problems   Tags: ,

The Most Common Marriage Problems of Couples

After your wedding day, you are still at the height of romance and you feel that there’s nothing that can destroy your marriage. But maintaining a happy marriage is hard and staying in your marriage is harder. So if you really want to save your marriage, take note of these common problems that you will encounter in the course of marriage.

LOVE

Husband and Wife Bears

Image by Rennett Stowe via Flickr

No matter how in love you are with each other the day you got together, it is still possible that a husband and wife will fall out of love with each other. This is caused by a lot of factors. It may be as a result from bad habits of a spouse that pushes the other one to their breaking point. It can also be caused by too much familiarity that husbands and wives have with each other. Or it could be a result of a spouse having an intimate relationship with another person. Whatever the reason why a husband and wife fall out of love, the good thing about it is that if you take the right steps in solving your marriage, you can fall in love with each other once more.

MONEY

Money is no doubt one of the most common problems that couples argue about. Although there are instances that husbands and wives have problems of earning too much money, unfortunately the majority of couples don’t have that luxury. Basically, financial problems among married couples are mainly caused by how they budget their income or how they can increase their income. Some beliefs suggest that love should be the primary importance of marriage, not money. But because the modern society now has increased demand in terms of money matters, husbands and wives should learn how to budget their income effectively. If they do not meet their needs and are in severe debt, they risk themselves of having an unhappy marriage.

CHILDREN

Children play an important role in marriage and they have a high impact on it. If you are newlyweds, you ask yourselves if you are ready to have kids. What rules will you implement in raising your children? What school will you enrol your kids in? A lot of questions will sprout up and you should deal with them as a couple. This is hard, especially if you have different beliefs to your spouse. If couples can’t agree on this matter, then that’s the time that it becomes a bigger problem and hinders your marriage.

SCHEDULES

Time is very important in marriage. Time is gold. Time is money. Time is everything. In this chaotic world that couples live in, time is more than precious. High demands of your work time leave your family at risk of falling apart, most especially if you have kids. Juggling office work, house work and your marriage is a difficult task that will leave you burned out. There are so many things to do, but so little time. And no matter how you schedule and organise everything, there will always be last minute adjustments that will destroy your perfect plan. So to avoid this, always have a back-up plan when these circumstances happen and quickly agree on a solution.

IN-LAWS

Unhappy marriages can also be a result of a bad relationship between a spouse and an in-law. Just because you love your partner and you’re comfortable with them, doesn’t necessarily mean that you instantly have a good relationship with their parents. This is an important matter in marriage because in-laws are a part of your family. Dealing with your in-laws may be difficult, but you will never know unless you try.

Maintaining a happy marriage is hard work, but if you try a little bit harder, it can be achieved!

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Posted by Marvellous Marriage - November 3, 2017 at 5:15 AM

Categories: Common Marital Problems   Tags:

How To Handle Difficult In-Laws

How To Handle Difficult In-Laws

How To Handle Difficult Tough In Laws
Image by Getty Images via @daylife

The verifiable truth about your in-laws is that it can be difficult to have a healthy relationship with them and have it stay that way. It’s even harder when you live with them in the same house. Marrying your spouse automatically made you a part of their family. Some are blessed to get along with their new extended family, while some are destined to be with obnoxious and tough in-laws.

Here are some points that will help you Handle Difficult / Tough In-Laws.

 

  • First impressions are important, so be careful when you meet your spouse’s relatives for the first time. This goes both ways, but don’t be judgmental with them as you don’t want to be judged either. Just because your wife’s cousin doesn’t laugh at your jokes doesn’t mean he doesn’t like you. Give them a chance to adjust as you’re a new addition to their family.

 

  • There are some people who are just nosy and who are completely annoying. Your partner’s uncle may be asking you a gazillion questions that are impossible to answer. Respect them, and just enjoy your time with them. Before meeting your spouse’s relatives, know their background first by asking your spouse. Sometimes, all it takes is a little joke for them to be able to be on easy terms with you.

 

  • How to end conversations may pressure you more than you think. Always be respectful and modest when you excuse yourself.

 

  • Be patient and understanding with your new extended family because you’ll never know when you’ll need their advice. Accepting them for who they are will make the situation easier because then you’ll know how to act with them. It’s always best to spend a little more time with them to know them better.

 

  • Don’t pressure your spouse by blurting all your frustrations to him or her. Just because they are his or her family doesn’t mean you have to air it all out to him or her. It’ll leave him or her confused about whether to stand by you or with your in-laws. Never put your spouse in a situation where he or she has to choose between you and his or her family.

 

  • Taking extra effort to show your in-laws that you’re willing to make your relationship work will be a big plus. Try planning a dinner or a short vacation with them. And if they live far, give them a surprise visit. They’ll surely appreciate the extra effort you’re putting in.

Watch the video below to get some more ideas on how to handle Difficult / Tough In Laws.

 

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Posted by Marvellous Marriage - October 29, 2017 at 5:16 AM

Categories: Common Marital Problems, Healthy Marriage Tips, Uncategorized   Tags: , , , , ,

How To Stop Divorce and save Your Marriage?

How To Stop Divorce and save Your Marriage?

How to stop divorce is a question that will be relevant both during normal times and during the time when your marriage is in trouble. If you understand the institution of marriage and follow the rules of a sound marriage, the prospect of divorce will never arise. But sometimes, you find that certain developments have taken place which appear to be leading towards a marriage break up, with divorce appearing inevitable. In such a situation, you are naturally concerned with the question how to stop divorce. First thing you should remember is that however grave the situation may appear to be, you can still do a few things to save your marriage. But convince yourself that you don’t want the divorce however bitter things might have developed between you and your spouse.

Here are a few suggestions to stop Divorce

Stop Divorce

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1) Make yourself a more agreeable person: I am not suggesting for a moment that that you have not been conducting yourself in an agreeable way. You may have been conducting yourself in an exemplary way. But a little self examination is not going to hurt. On the other hand, it may do you a lot of good. Your thought process should run like this: ‘There are certain things about me which my spouse doesn’t seem to like. (Otherwise, why should the question of divorce arise at all?) Can I think of the things which he doesn’t like about me and do something about them?’ When you adopt this approach, you will find to your surprise that you are able to zero in on a couple of things about you that you can change for the better. And once you do this, you will find a dramatic improvement in your spouse’s attitude towards you. Please note that I am not asking you to give up your individuality and surrender to the whims of your spouse. All that is required are a few changes which you will not mind implementing. The chances are you will like the changes yourself!

2) Don’t react sharply to your spouse’s proposal for divorce: You can’t stop divorce by angrily dismissing the idea. Your spouse may be expecting you to react violently to the idea so that it will lead to an altercation and culminate in a situation warranting divorce. React cautiously. Say you will think about it. Once you are able to prevent an immediate flare up, you can eventually drop hints that you can still make up, stop divorce and save your marriage.

3) Do not make the mistake of taking your partner for granted: One thing that is universally disliked is being taken for granted. If you are concerned with how to stop divorce, then you should be careful in dealing with your spouse. Don’t dismiss their views or suggestions lightly. If you disagree with your spouse, do it agreeably. Acknowledge the merit of their views and then say that you have a different view. If you want to bring your spouse around to accepting your stand, do it gently. If there is resistance, leave it for the moment. A calm and judicious handling of the differences will ensure that you both will learn to respect each other’s views.

How to stop divorce will no longer be a haunting question.

 

 

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Posted by Marvellous Marriage - October 28, 2017 at 5:20 AM

Categories: Can A Marriage Be Saved?, Common Marital Problems, Keeping Your Marriage, Making Marriage Work   Tags: , , , ,

About Maternal Gatekeepers

You can do something

There are a number of husbands in our surroundings not doing any work assigned to them. At the same time the female partner works hard to make both ends meet. She does her office work besides all the work around the house. But there is one thing we have to know; a female partner believes in her mind that all the work related with household and child-care are her own work. Let us term it “maternal gate keeping.”

Marriage certificate

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The Definition of the Maternal Gatekeeper: Where a woman tends to inhibit her husband from sharing the household work. As a maternal gatekeeper, she frees her husband from doing chores. She even raises some objection while doing work for their children.

Maternal Gatekeeper Studies

Paul Raeburn of Psychology Today writes that even though the father in a family wants to do something for their kids, they stay away from it due to the mother’s persistent maternal criticism.

It reveals something interesting; that maternal gatekeeping behaviour of the mother will try to torpedo even the confidence of a new dad. The tired dad after making some attempt, starts retreating from the scene due to the persistent objection of his female partner.

Is there any alternative to this problem?

A new mum could assign some work related with the caring of their baby. Mastering all the work related with caring for their baby will change when the mum has a baby.

The tendency of childcare over the last 20 years continues as such. Father in a family usually spends more hours with their children than with their father or mother.

It is quite a practice among male partners in a family to overestimate the work they do around the house, and are very eager to underestimate the work other family members have done around the house.

It is calculated that a married woman will spend 14 hours more time on household work that an unmarried woman does.

If an equitable division of labour is maintained in marriage, what will be the advantage is that you can have a good relationship with your spouse, the result of which will be a better peaceful life.

Dr. John Guttmann has stated that sharing the responsibility is a must in a family, and if you do so both male and female partners in the family will be more active in their lovemaking.

One thing that no one can agree with is that those children who are helping their family in day-today activities in the house are liable to be a good part of democratic values in a country.

Read the following to see whether you have come under the category of maternal gatekeeper.

•    If you tend to continue the work your spouse had just finished.

•    If you find no satisfaction with the work your spouse had done.

•    If your mind is always pressing you to tell your spouse that the work done by your spouse is yet to meet its quality.

•    If you are trying to demean or torpedo the efforts your spouse is making on the children.

•    Whether you are making an attempt to oversee and find fault, even though the work done by your male partner was really good.

•    If you are trying to acquire the credit of being the most intelligent and responsible mum, then be cautious.

•    If you are sticking to what tradition says about the household work.

•    If you are trying to make your husband a helper rather than considering him as a master in household work, then keep away from it.

•    If you feel comfort the moment your husband shows some incompetence in the household work.

•    If you feel discomfort the time your wounded child runs to your husband for help.

Attention husbands!

Does your wife:

•    Try to continue the work you have finished?

•    Say something bad about the work accomplished?

•    Come to tell you that the work done by you is of little value?

•    Press your children to make remark in favour of them?

•    Try to oversee the chores you are doing?

•    Try to overestimate her work to get validation of her identity?

•    Believe that the work handed over traditionally is really unique?

•    View you as an assistant in accomplishing household and childcare work?

•    Approach you to advise that the work you have done needs some correction?

What are the Solutions for Husbands of Maternal Gatekeepers?

•    Realising that maternal gatekeeping is just a word traditionally handed down and it really needs the help of father to accomplish.

•    You have to believe that what your wife does as a maternal gatekeeper is not to harass you.

•    If you can talk with your wife about the negative impact the maternal gate keeping has on your family, it is better.

•    The word you should use while being criticised is “enough.” It would really work in minimising the hustle and bustle in your family

•    Even though the reaction to all your work is mixed with negative words you should appreciate her all the works she do for the family. It is a psychological approach to eliminate the tendency of your wife to rebuke you although it works slowly.

•    If all your attempts to bring your wife to the main stream do not work well, try to seek marriage counselling.

Some Suggestions of Letting Go of Maternal Gate Keeping Behaviour

•    Quit hogging the children.

•    Expecting a lot more from your spouse than what you did is wrong.

•    There may be other ways to accomplish the work. Think of them.

•    Try not to find fault with them.

•    Attempting to restart the work done by your husband is really not suitable for you.

•    You could ask your husband whether he can take the responsibility of running the family, rather than doing help.

•    Realise the truth that you are not the only person to run the family. A part of this task goes to your husband.

•    If you are not satisfied with the style of work your husband is doing, then ask him why you feel so.

•    You don’t need to step in and take your weeping child away immediately before your husband takes this responsibility. Let him do it.

•    Gloria Steinem would say that, as men can do the work there is no need to ask such a question, instead ask the women whether they can.

•    If men ask for collaborative efforts in what they can do for the family, most of the women in the name of maternal gate keeping tend to keep their husband away from that.

•    When a woman tries to do almost all the work for the family, the collaborative principle of the family work fails to work which may lead to an insufficient accomplishment of work.

•    When responsibilities fail to work.

•    If a husband becomes mere a helper in the family matters they tend to show their willingness only when they are asked to do so. This tendency will discourage them to be active till they get an explicit direction from their female partner.

Keeping the status-quo

Some women would fear that most of the work done by their husband may result in diminishing the value of them. This tendency later on will lead to complete disorder and disobedience.

Different Family Roles

Division of labour reflects the clear involvement of husband and wife in their family matters, including chores and childcare. Mothers view the work their own work, and so they don’t like their husbands to do it. They discourage the paternal involvement fearing that it may diminish their value.

The best way of increasing the efficiency of work in a household, whether it is related with maternal or paternal division of labour, is to entrust more work with the men in the family. The most important is how a family live peacefully rather than how the work is divided. Let’s set apart for the time being this maternal housekeeping tendency.

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Posted by Marvellous Marriage - October 25, 2017 at 5:15 AM

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