Infidelity is one of the most common issues affecting a lot of marriages. The unfaithfulness of a spouse can bring on a major conflict with a devastating effect on the marriage, leading to divorce.
It is said that about 25% of husbands, if given a chance, would cheat on their wives. On the other hand, 15% of wives would cheat on their husbands.
Reasons for infidelity can range from disappointments to inadequacy. The spouse not being able “to fulfill one’s needs” is a common excuse for cheating.
Some Causes of Marital Infidelity:
- Inability to cope with the spouse’s sexual needs
- Unrealistic expectations of the spouse
- Not having a sense of fun in the relationship
- Lack of interest in sex
- Hectic schedules; lack of time for each other
- Boredom with the marriage
- Physical changes in a spouse
- Annoying habits
Do everything you can to keep your spouse satisfied. Fulfill his or her needs. Be fun to be with. Make your spouse laugh and always glad that he or has you. Spend adequate time with each other. Take care of yourself. Be interesting like you just met so as not to compel your spouse to seek someone else.
Gender Issues Have Two Faces.
Men are from Mars, and women are from Venus. One way or another, we have accepted this adage as true. There have been many studies about gender differences, and this line seems to confirm and summarise their findings. It’s unclear whether society feeds studies, or studies feed society. Feminists, proponents of equal rights and equal opportunities, have existed since ancient times. But then, even in our postmodern world, it seems many still view them as radicals.
The idea that men and women behave and perceive things differently is not a baseless claim. It actually has scientific basis. A study headed by Dr. Richard Haier, a psychologist at University of California in Irvine, connects gender differences to the “architecture” of men and women’s brains. It explains that men have more grey matter in their brains than women. On the other hand, women have more white matter in their brains than men. Does this have a significant effect on intelligence? Does it tell us which sex is more intelligent? No. The results only indicate that men and women use different paths to intelligence. In simple terms, men and women may do equally well on IQ tests, but they differ in the way they think. Their sensibilities and how they handle situations vary.
Author Cris Evatt developed an interesting summary of men and women’s different attributes. These are some of the points he raised:
Men take things literally. Women look for hidden meanings.
- A man is taken in by visuals. A woman is gifted with intuition. She can read people. She can analyse between the lines and give meanings to gestures and actions. She’s an expert with clues.
Men focus on solutions. Women like to discuss problems.
- A man may approach problem-solving like this:
“Here’s what we do. Take it out. Chop off. We don’t need it. Get rid of it.” He wants matters to be dealt with immediately. A woman tends to approach problems like someone who is flaking meat. She simply doesn’t want an overview. She wants an in-depth analysis. “Where did this problem begin? What are our options? What are the consequences of choosing option 1? Let’s have an option number 5.”
Men are less willing to seek help. Women seek help more readily.
- They say men don’t ask for directions. They’d rather get lost than admit to anyone that they’re lost. Women, on the other hand, naturally call their friends at the slightest news and are more likely to ask for advice in times of problems.
Men make decisions quicker. Women take more time to decide.
- Men want to approach situations logically. Women want to talk about how they feel about situations. They say a woman’s mind is as changeable as the weather. Her decisions are often dictated by her emotions.
Over the years, writings, scientific and literary, have often highlighted these ideas:
Women are personal.
- A woman values relationships and emotional ties. She has more close friends and is comfortable in groups. She doesn’t mind sharing her feelings. A man puts a premium on dominance and competition. He prefers watching basketball to attending tea parties.
Men want to think of solutions on their own. Women want to talk about how they feel about the solutions.
- A man likes to solve problems on his own. When something is bothering him, he tends to withdraw and prefers not to talk about it. Now, a woman, naturally intuitive, senses that something is wrong. She likes asking questions. She feels that she can’t solve a problem without talking about it.
In the 1972 book, The Future of Marriage, Jessie Bernard emphasised the stark differences between men and women in terms of how they view marriage. Bernard said that there are two sides to the relationship, his side and her side. The book highlighted the idea that men and women think and behave differently. Many of today’s writings still hold the same views. Society has managed to consistently paint men as sports coaches and women as kitchen divas. Every now and then, someone disagrees and gets branded as a radical.
This is despite the fact that there have been thousands of studies and writings that say otherwise. These studies indicate that men and women may behave differently, but it doesn’t mean they have different basic needs. For instance, they may react to situations differently, but both give value to commitment.
Among the most notable findings are those of Janet Shibley Hyde of the University of Wisconsin-Madison. She based her conclusions on evidence from studies in the following areas:
Cognitive – e.g. mental skills like reading and comprehension
Communication Variables – e.g. speech and facial expressions
Social – e.g. behaviour in a group
Psychological – e.g. how one copes with life
Motor – e.g. flexibility
Others – e.g. jobs and computer habits
Dr. Hyde found that 78% of the differences between men and women are small and don’t have as much impact as opposed to what most of us are predisposed to believe. The three areas in which men and women differ are the following:
Attitude towards sex –
Men and women have different views about sexuality.
Level of aggression –
Men are more aggressive than women.
Motor skills –
Men are better at physical activities like jumping and running.
A recent study in Melbourne (Karantzas, Feeney, Goncalves, & McCabe, 2010) follows the same premise, that men and women are not so different after all.
This study was anchored on the idea that the only way a clear conclusion about gender differences could be achieved was by having real couples examined as a unit and not individuals from different relationships. The respondents were composed of couples who were attending relationship education programs.
Like Dr. Hyde’s findings, the results indicate no significant differences between men and women.
- Both men and women have low levels of insecurities when it comes to attachment.
- Both men and women value support, trust, and intimacy,
- Both men and women are moderately satisfied with their relationship.
- Married couples are more committed to the relationship.
- Both men and women get more committed to the relationship as time goes by.
Men and women may appear different, but they have basic needs. Both want to belong and form relationships. Both have the need to fall in love and be loved. We can’t get more basic than that.
What are some of the sad effects of living with the idea that men and women are created differently, therefore, view relationships differently?
- Irreconcilable differences remain irreconcilable differences.
Couples may easily give up on their relationship and blame it all on the idea that men and women don’t speak the same language.
- Personal growth may be limited.
Take for example a boy who, deep in his heart, wants to be a ballet dancer. But he is discouraged by his friends’ comments about ballet being only for girls. He bypasses his opportunity for personal development by choosing to play sports where his abilities are mediocre. His real talent is wasted.
Gender stereotypes can result to much unhappiness, arguments, failures, tensions,and many more. On the other hand, some proponents may argue that differences do exist but you can always work around them. For instance, use them to make the relationship more exciting. Opposite poles do attract.
But putting all those scientific studies aside; on a practical sense, John does need love as much as Jenny needs love. Andy may want to have “buddies” and Anne, “girlfriends.” But the basic idea here is: Both value friends and relationships.
So, are men really from Mars and women from Venus? Or are they both from planet Earth?
Helpful tips for someone wondering “can my marriage be saved?”
Today more than any other time in the history of marriage, the rate of divorce has multiplied to some unbelievable levels. There is an increased concern from all quarters as people ask the question “can my marriage be saved?” almost every day. The institution of marriage seems to be in trouble today more than any other time in history. It is important to understand that any marriage can be saved if only the two people involved are willing to have it healed.
Have you been asking how “can my marriage be saved?” Well, there are numerous things that you should understand if this is the situation you are in. Below are some of the things that you should consider:
Can my marriage be saved by admitting that I need help?
To begin with, you must never shy away from admitting that your marriage is in deep trouble and that you need help. A spouse who has this question in their mind would want things to appear normal from outside but the truth of the matter is that this does not help in any way. The first step towards the healing of your marriage does not lie in just wondering “can my marriage be saved?” but in what you do after this question has risen in your mind.
Your marriage can be saved by working together with your spouse.
Never assume that things will work themselves out miraculously. Many people normally bury their heads in the sand ignoring or totally pretending that the problem will disappear on its own. You must come up with a plan that includes identifying the problem and how to go about it. It must be noted, however, that this is not an easy thing to do. It is, however, also worth noting that divorce is not the easiest thing to do. If you can’t solve the issue on your own, then discuss seeking a counsellor’s help in order to save you marriage.
Marriage can be saved by understanding that your marriage is heading towards divorce
Those asking “can my marriage be saved” normally do so after having suffered for too long and are almost on the brink of divorce. It is important to agree that the problem is not one-sided; it involves the two people in the marriage and therefore, the solution can only come from the two. Pointing fingers and the blame game is not the way to go and each spouse should look deep within themselves to see their contribution to the problem. Be flexible and seek to make things better by compromising during the solution seeking moments.
Many who have been wondering how “can my marriage be saved?” normally lack the patience to deal with issues amicably. Many normally see divorce as the better way, but the truth of the matter is that this is more painful than humbling through the process of healing. Repairing a marriage in trouble takes more than a few hours and patience is of great importance. You must give full attention to the process.
Can my marriage be saved by asking for professional help?
Professional help from a pastor or counsellor is also important if you are wondering “how can my marriage be saved?” and especially if the problems are more than you can handle between the both of you. The involvement of a third party should come as one of the last things you do.
It is important to note that every marital problem can be solved instead of ending in divorce. There is never a perfect spouse and leaving your spouse for another person will only be like jumping from a pan into a flame of fire. With patience, you will find that the power to answer the question on “how can my marriage be saved” lies within you and your spouse.
Categories: Can A Marriage Be Saved?, Causes Of Divorce, Causes Of Marital Failure, Commitment, Common Marital Problems, Developing Healthy Relationships, Healthy Marriage Tips, Let's Go Together, Loving Your Marriage, Making Marriage Work, Resolving Conflicts In A Marriage, Restoring Trust In A Marriage, Save My Marriage Tips Tags: Healing a Broken Marriage, helpful tips, how to stop your divorce and save your marriage, Keeping Your Marriage, Marriage, Marriage Tips For Newlyweds, Ways to Better Your Marriage
1. Serial affairs
The best way to find your spouse’s emotional response to your sexual behaviour is to check whether he/she gets pleasure from you. If the response is not vigorous enough to attract them, then you may think that there is something wrong with you or your spouse. If you are not interested in finding a solution, it may be a reason as to why your spouse seeks infidelity leading to extramarital affairs.
If your spouse is not satisfied with your act of lovemaking, he/she may be looking to only please themselves. They may think that getting a little pleasure or unsatisfied sex from one side is not such a big thing. They don’t take it seriously, and the result will be your spouse’s unending thirst for pleasure.
If your loved one is told to give you more pleasure than what she/he can do for you, a peculiar kind of anxiety and complication may conquer the mind, leading to a dampening of excitement. Understand your partner. Understand his/her way of sex. You can do nothing more than that.
This is another type of sexual act in which an innocent flirtation may go on just for a small period of time. Sometimes it may go on uninterruptedly. Even a one-time act of infidelity may occur, depending on the available circumstances. You may take part in a business conference, political junkets, etc. You may be away from your home because of business. You may come across you colleague in a similar situation. It all depends on the circumstances.
3. Romantic love affairs
This type of emotional attachment may be due to the allegiance to their lovers, making the marriage with your partner more difficult to continue. With the spouse deciding to switch their allegiance to their lovers, what is expected in their married life is nothing but divorce. This type of affair may cause a lot of trouble in a marriage.
4. Long-term affairs
This is totally different from all other affairs mentioned above. Here, the lover will find a place in another’s married life, sometimes with the knowledge of the spouse, who hates it. Both the husband and the wife will find no harm in continuing their affair. They unwillingly grant it to continue. The straying partner would still look after the needs of the spouse as well as get the benefit of having sex with someone else. There may be several reasons for this act such as lack of finance, political affairs, objection to divorce, etc.
Peace of mind is the target of your extra-marital affair. You are not going to get this as long as you are an irresponsible partner.
Reasons for the marriage conflicts may be of many types.
If you are in the habit of using drugs, alcohol or any other kinds of chemical capable of altering the mood of your mind, it may create a lot of problems in marriage.
Your partner may have a habit of entering into extra-marital relationships with another person. This may be due to the non-functional nature of the opposite sex. It will be enough to create a problem.
This thing is of more importance if any one of the spouses makes a decision without consulting with the other partner. It will have a number of implications for the family. So the opinions, views and judgement made by the spouse should be given equal importance, or else life may choose a different fate for you.
Threat or Physical Violence
Verbal or physical abuse should be treated as reprehensible in marriage. As a responsible spouse, you have to show your decency in all respects. Don’t try to create a problem by making a skirmish in your family. You want peace in marriage. It is within your reach if your actions are mild and love-oriented.
Deception or Constant Lying
If your behaviour is transparent, you don’t need to fear anything in your marriage. Try to be straightforward. Let your spouse love you. You have to know how deep the love is. If you have a consistent behaviour to deceive your spouse, you are liable to be a tension-loving person. Your action to deceive your spouse will not last long. As in most cases, this tension will slowly increase, ending in divorce.
Lack of Intimacy
Don’t you like to spend time with your spouse talking about things of interest? This is what your spouse wishes you to do. Take time to spend away from you parenting roles.
You will begin your talk with interesting notes, and then slowly you will slide from the real issues, making your way forward with skirmish and finally violence and separation. This is what is sometimes seen in a marriage. Talking about your wrong doing of the past should not be allowed to surface. This type of attitude is non-productive. It will not have any positive effects on your life; instead, your life will end in more severe conflict.
It can act like a balance if both of you are wanting to find a solution to it. One partner will be living lavishly. But what is the state of other partner? The other partner wishes to live within a realistic budget prepared in advance. You can imagine how the conflict will be if both of them go as per their wishes. So discuss it deeply, and find a solution, or else, you will be inviting a large number of marriage conflicts that may end in a divorce.