Importance of Marriage Counselling
Does it Work Well?
If you find that your marriage is experiencing a lot of problems, you should seek professional assistance. You can either seek the services of a counsellor or consult a psychiatrist.
You will get some answers to the questions regarding how one can make the most of the services offered by marriage counselling centres.
Take a look at the questions mentioned below:
Get married at an early age?
Are you a college graduate?
Do you come from a low-income group?
Are you in an inter-faith marriage?
Are your parents divorced?
Do you have a habit of criticising?
Is there a lot of defensiveness in your marriage?
Do you have a habit of withdrawing from your spouse?
Are you feeling content with your partner?
If you answered “Yes” to any or all of the above questions, you are indeed at high risk of divorce.
If you act in a positive manner, you will get the same from your spouse. Efficiency to communicate well with your spouse, ability to eliminate skirmish in your marriage and your interest to help your spouse in all their dealings, will add to the chance of avoiding the ultimate decision of divorce.
How Effective is Marriage Counselling?
One thing is very clear. The professional marriage counselling provides will have a positive impact and reduce the risk of divorce. So it is better to get the advice from a reliable source.
Let’s set aside the facts obtained from some study on marriage counselling that marriage counselling is not as effective as what you think.
Young couples, couple subjected to therapy, those who are still in love, and those who are not interested in sex are people who can make of marriage counselling.
But those who have waited too long before seeking help have the least chance of making the most of their marriage counselling.
See the Happy Couples. Seek their Help from Marriage Counselling
According to Gottman some people are very efficient in handling their disagreement and resentment due to their affection and friendship. They can easily manage the problems arising out of either silly or severe stresses.
Gottman’s remark under this context is important. He says that rather than trying to change the marriage, if communication skills are taught to them, there may be a steep diminishing number in marriage cases.
So go to seek professional marriage counselling or a marriage course before the problem gets any bigger.
Married life is not all bliss. A husband and wife may find each other in conflict for several reasons in the course of their marriage. Reasons may vary, but the most common is gender differences.
The idea that men and women are different is not simply common knowledge, it actually has scientific basis. A study headed by Dr. Richard Haier, a psychologist at University of California in Irvine, connects gender differences to the “architecture” of men and women’s brains. It states that men have more grey matter in their brains than women. Whereas, women have more white matter in their brains than men. Does this have a significant effect on each gender’s intelligence? Does it tell us which sex is more intelligent? No. The results only indicate that men and women use different paths to intelligence. In simple terms, men and women may do equally well on IQ tests, but they differ in the way they think. Their sensibilities and how they handle situations vary.
These are not generalisations because there are some people who manage to break stereotypes, but here are some examples that illustrate gender differences in couples:
- He likes activities. She likes conversations.
- He keeps quiet on an issue. She wants to talk about it.
- He wants to solve the problem quickly and get over it. She wants to discuss it thoroughly.
- He likes straight facts. She wants more than an overview.
- He likes to keep things to himself. She wants to vent.
Sometimes differences are not gender-specific like the ones below:
- He likes fishing. She finds fishing boring.
- He likes cats. She likes dogs.
- He likes drinking coffee. She likes tea.
Also, sometimes, conflicts stem from things that are beyond anyone’s control. Think of a woman walking out of the room and out of the marriage because her husband snores, or a couple splitting up because one likes cats but the other is allergic to felines.
Differences, no matter how mundane, can be fatal for a relationship if left unaddressed. A couple can divorce because they can’t seem to agree on what paint colour to use on the living room wall. Too many marriages have ended because of these two words: Irreconcilable Differences.
Here are some tips on how to handle differences, specifically those pertaining to gender:
Recognise that gender differences exist
Acknowledge that men and women are wired differently. Acceptance can lead to respect of each other’s attributes.
Identify your differences
When a husband and wife have accepted that they are different from each other, they can now list the issues that need to be addressed. Perhaps, they can divide these issues into “topics” like the ones below. Ask questions like “Where do we disagree?” or “What areas of our marriage emphasise our differences?”
- Managing the household
- Raising the kids
Understand and resolve issues
Analyse differences. Why do you disagree? What things emphasise your gender differences in a negative light and make them work against you? Compromise or stay on neutral ground. Oftentimes, issues are left unresolved because couples refuse to give up their personal motives in favour of the other. If it’s not life-threatening, if it doesn’t pose a serious threat to your safety or anybody else’s, give in. Try to imagine what it’s like to be in your spouse‘s shoes. Get rid of selfishness.
Appreciate gender differences
View gender differences as something that makes the relationship more exciting. If you like coffee and your spouse likes tea, isn’t that more interesting? If your spouse likes different things, take it as an opportunity to learn new things and acquire new favourites. Think of being married to someone who nods at your every word. It’s like being married to a piece of cardboard.
Marriages can never be without issues. Successful ones are those that are able to roll with the punches, with the husband and wife adjusting to each other and giving in to each other.
Reconciliation is about making peace with the person you’ve hurt or who has hurt you. Manyend up hurting each other. This can be a reason for splitting up. Planning on having a reconciliation is ideal but is never easy.
Here are some helpful ideas about reconciling with your partner:
There are many reasons why married couples end up going separate ways. But despite the hurt, some manage to reconcile with their partners and are given a second chance to make their relationship work. The idea is, if you still love each other, work on making it work!
There are some problems that are difficult to work through like partners doing drugs, cheating, or getting involved in criminal offenses. If you’re in any of these situations in your marriage, then it would be harder to patch up. However, there are some who manage to forgive and choose instead to help their partners out of whatever mess they’re into.
It’s important to see if reconciliation is possible. If you sense that your relationship still has hope, then try to resolve your issues. There are times where the couple has drifted so far apart that it would be impossible to bring them back together. Either or both may have found a new love or have moved on and have started a new life. In situations like this, trying to make things work may worsen the situation and will only subject the couple to the pain all over again. If trying to resolve things will bring more discord, then better not do it. Sometimes, time is all it takes to heal. So, leave the situation as it is because it’s better to end up as friends than enemies. Another thing to remember is that reconciling with your spouse shouldn’t be based primarily on pleasing others. Staying together for the kids may initially seem to be the the right thing to do, but in the long run, the fact that you really can’t stand each other will show. The kids will suffer just the same. If you have to reconcile, do it because you feel you really want to fix your relationship.
Therefore, having the right reasons is crucial in marital reconciliation. Your motivation should be centred on your relationship with your spouse. If you feel that love is gone, then tell him or her. But this isn’t to say that you can’t fall in love with each other all over again. There are ways to reconnect and bring back the spark.
If you feel that your marriage can still be helped, then go for it. Making peace with your spouse will better the marriage and it will benefit both of you as well as your kids.
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